Shhh....She Had A Miscarriage
Dec 12, 2015
written by Kristina Renee Bengala
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I actually knew one week before I peed on the stick to confirm it through science. My intuition told me, well, and also a Tarot Card reading. That may sound crazy, but it wasn't to me. You see I had wanted this; my partner, James, and I had wanted this. And that entire Summer leading up to it, I had been preparing myself.
In May 2015, I went in for a procedure to have a 10 1/5 cm cyst removed from my right ovary. My doctor cleared me after that saying I was in good condition to have a child. Well of course I knew that meant physically I was ready, but emotionally and spiritually I needed time to heal from the surgery and prepare my heart. I spent the Summer in deep daily meditations, increasing my awareness in the practice of Kundalini and giving more attention to healing from within. The shifts were profound! So when the stick read PREGNANT I really wasn't surprised. I had asked for this. I had wanted this and I was ready.
It is a funny thing when you get pregnant. Instantly I wanted to announce it to everyone! I was elated and couldn't wait to share the wondrous news. But quickly the pressures of society came weighing down...they sound like this if you don't know.
"Be sure to wait until 12 weeks to tell people"
"Oh, you are only 6 weeks? You are still in the dangerous zone"
"I'm so happy for you guys. Don't tell anyone yet until you know for sure"
"Enjoy that sleep and alone time while you have it"
They sound a lot like FEAR huh?
If you don't know me by now, then let me share that I am a natural rebel or maybe better word would be "revolutionist" at heart. I question everything! And James will confirm that...EVERYTHING. I don't know why I do it. I've questioned everything since I was a child. Ask my parents. They will attest to this. So when the steamroller of fear induced comments came down the tracks, I stopped that train immediately.
No thank you. No sir ye!
Now, intellectually I understand where these comments are coming from. It is out of concern and I value that concern. However, it's more than that; it's more than just what one person may have said.
The thing is Miscarriage is a SOCIAL TABOO!
I have heard women tell me that they felt ashamed or embarrassed about their miscarriages, keeping it hidden like a deep dark secret. Do you know what deep dark secrets do? They eat us up on the inside. They perpetuate any shame we already carry within our hearts and that weighs heavy on us. Secrets around miscarriages keep society's viewpoint on being human and having human experiences as something to feel guilty about. The miscarriage rate is 1 in every 4 women. That is pretty high. America has this tendency to live in a fear-based way of thinking and it is bleeding into our unconscious way of living and experiencing life. It creates a fear-based way of looking at the world, at one another, and at ourselves.
This is not loving. This is not freedom.
I am a healthy 35-year-old woman. James and I conceived our first child when I was 34. The baby's due date was June 21st, 2016. Yesterday we went to the doctor for our monthly check up and to make sure some of the brown spotting I was experiencing was okay. We found out that our little one's heart is no longer with us. It was a sad, sad, extremely sad day. We cried a lot. We talked a lot. We cuddled. I had a beer for the first time during my pregnancy and it was probably the saddest beer of my life. But I had my partner, my beloved, James, to share it with. We had one another. We are both healthy and we are able to conceive, which was always my wonder. This is not what we wanted. We were sure looking forward to meeting that little spirit in June of 2016.
Life isn't what we expect. Often times we are given what we need not what we want. Sometimes, we luck out and those needs are what we want. For us, this is not a want, but we both respect the process, the journey and will remain steadfast in our trust in the Universe. Everything really does happen for a reason. I am sure we will look back on this and see the reasoning then. For now, it may seem unknown, confusing and utterly agonizing...because well, it is. But we will try again! And when or if the time comes for us to decided maybe we won't try again, we will listen to that. Ultimately, no one's journey with miscarriage is a prototype. Each of us will journey through this in our own way and make our own choices on what to do next. My best advice is to listen to yourself, your heart and allow yourself the time to grieve. There is no limit on that. It will come in waves and often when you least expect it.
Never once did I feel ashamed that I told more people than what society told me was ok. In fact, telling people has been incredibly therapeutic and helpful in our healing process. Yesterday, so many texts, calls, and emails of p u r e l o v e & k i n d n e s s filled both James and I's ears and hearts; and it's bleeding into today and this coming week and probably the weeks and months to come. The amount of support we have had is worth all the announcing earlier than I was "suppose" to. In fact, it is beautiful to feel so much love in such sad times.
I am not telling you this to say there is a "right way" to share a pregnancy. You can wait, you cannot. It doesn't matter and that's the joy of having the freedom to make choices! Thank you America - may we never lose this! What I am saying though, is I am not ashamed or embarrassed about my miscarriage. If our baby was going to be healthy, he/she would have kept evolving. But nature has a way of taking care of things on its own and as much as we humans want to think we are in control of the external forces, we are not. What we can control is how we navigate through the uncertainty and losses.
May my story inspire any woman or man who has experienced this, or currently going through it, and feels as if they need to keep it hush hush. You are not alone. This happens more often than we'd like to admit. When we lean on one another with L O V E and move away from fear-based living, healing ourselves is beyond measurable!
"Dear little one...may your spirit find peace wherever you land and know that if you did evolve healthy as a human inside my belly, your father and I would have loved you to pieces...perhaps, one day we will meet you in another form...till then, always love...always love........................always our love..."
