You Can't Rush Your Healing
The ebs and flows of healing have been profound since the transition of my step-dad in January 2015. It will be two years this coming January that he left this earth in his physical form. There isn't a day I don't sense him in the sky or in the wind that touches my skin.
His passing was and is a pain I have never known before. It is ancient and has a depth that somehow seems to connect to the Source of all Beings. I dove and continue to dive into this new emotional/spiritual journey and welcome all it has to teach me. After his passing, I devoted myself to four months of a steady Kundalini yoga practice to truly explore and Be. It was hard. It was scary. It was so sad at times. It was grieving. As time went by, my heart began to lighten and the sweet memories of his words and life filled my mind with love and deep gratitude.
It came as no surprise just a month before his one year of passing that when my partner, James, and I were told our little Beloved child within my womb had left it's physical form, a similar and heavy wave of grief resurfaced. At first, upon hearing this news, I thought of my step-dad and knew in an instant the band-aid had been stripped back again to reveal my sorrow and pain.
Like surfing, sometimes those waves keep coming and you wonder if you will ever make it back out to the line up. You will...eventually. As you keep showing up, experiencing each profound energetic pulse, taking you down or in this case within, to remember you are more courageous than you realize. Grief is like that. It has this way of showing up when we least expect it and we simply need to pause and hold ourselves with the tenderness of compassion.
"Breathe, my love," I often say to myself.
Breathe. One wave at a time.
The last year grief has been showing me more about the lose or better word may be transition of my youth. Youth as in those childhood days with my sweet and at the time whole family, before divorce, betrayal and separation. Grief of who I once was and once had. Grief of Mother Earth and the lack of compassion human-beings have bestowed upon her. Grief for the wars of all times and for all beings. This is not to be confused with Regret, my friends. This is purely the attention to the transitions of life and the acknowledgement of things passed and things as they are.
Someone once said to me, "I am happy I healed from that" and I thought to myself, "we are always healing". It is a lifelong journey to heal our Beloved hearts from the experience of life - if not what the external world has bestowed upon you, but more importantly upon the Truth and even the lies you have bestowed upon yourself.
I have deep respect for this artist, Trevor Hall, who I came to listen during my time living in Encinitas, California. His music is raw, spiritual and asking the listener to truly listen, to deeply listen. This song somehow never resonated until now. Music does that. When you are ready, you will hear it. The same can be said for your inner voice - when you are ready you will hear your Truth. But you must create that space and step into the unknown.
With your life, my brothers and sisters, may you have enough courage to step into that dark place and realize the light in healing your heart, and may you remember you can't rush your healing.
namaste + infinite love.