A Letter to You, My Child
"The female being has been chosen by the creator to be the portal between the spiritual realm and this physical realm. The only force on Earth powerful enough to navigate unborn spirits onto this planet"
I listened to this song over and over as I wrote this letter to you my sweet one...
You came to me in a dream state. You arrived in my mind's eye as a little Lion, sweet and strong. You said to me, "I am coming in August and I will be fierce." I was overcome with bliss as I shared the news with your father, who was resting in between sleeping upon my chest. He asked me if I thought I was pregnant. I said, "I don't know, but something is happening in August".
Your voice grew as you grew. My meditations became more alive and awakened. I desired to sit more and listen. On my hikes, you asked so many questions. You loved being outside in the cold, breathing the fresh air. Remi became more protective of my presence around men in town. During my Tarot card meditations, you wanted to pick your own cards too. I began to crave spicy food and salmon and I knew as my breath became shorter and shorter and my sleeping patterns longer, you were strong.
So when the day came to test and you, already so stubborn, like both your parents, took four test to finally confirm you were budding away inside my womb, I smiled with joy and felt the utmost peace about this second pregnancy. You told me what to do and when do to it. I never doubted your guidance. I would be in the middle of working and hear a voice telling me it was time to eat, though I wasn't hungry. I would find myself listening more to your needs because you were so vocal. I had no fear. I completely trusted what you told me to do to keep you evolving and my own body content. I already was so in love with you and the profound relationship we were building together.
PHOTO CREDIT: Alithea Doyle-Cessna
So one week later, when my appetite disappeared, and then I began to bleed, my heart sank and heavy. I sat in meditation and spoke to you but your voice was smaller now, barely there and I knew in my soul that you were leaving me. I tried to keep the tears from coming, reciting mantras over and over, reminding myself that this can happen, it could be nothing...but I knew deep inside, I knew.
I went to the doctor right away and though my cervix was closed, my blood pregnancy levels were lower than expected at 5 weeks and 4 days. I had to test again in 48 hours. I went home, alone, shocked. I didn't see this coming. You were so strong. I had no doubts or fear or even a glimpse that this would happen...again. I cried all day.
When your father came home, he was so positive. He laid his hand on my belly and he talked to you. He may not have known what he was doing when he did this next, but he started practicing Reiki on you and I smiled at the light and infinite love in his heart. We loved you already, "little Leo" as we called/call you. We loved you so much, our little Spirit child.
As I sat on the toilet, bleeding, your father laid his head on my lap and held me as I sobbed uncontrollably for the first time all day. It was then that your father realized what I already knew. He said to me, "we lost him, didn't we?" and I replied with such a heavy heart, "yes, we did". Your father was so strong this time around. He knew what to say and how to be present for me and more importantly for himself.
For me, losing you and the reality that I would never bare you in human form was so much harder than the letting go of your sister, our 12 week Spirit child, "Lila (LEE-LA) Rose". The same week we lost your sister one year before was the same week we found out we were pregnant with you this year. I saw this as such a blessing. A full circle.
I cherish the short time I had with you, my little Leo. Even though it was short lived, I already learned so much about myself, you and the richness of true love. I remember looking at your father that night and thinking, "I am more in love with him than I have ever been".
I don't have control on this life, but I do have control on how I choose to respond, See and Be in this journey. I continue to trust in the great Divine. I continue to breathe into the conk shell of discomfort and grief, goodness and badness, light and dark. I continue to trust the unknown. I have faith in the depth of your dad and I's love and the courage that we have to get up, smile at the time we had with you and keep living.
48 hours later, the doctor's confirmed the blood work. I had already physically passed your tissue that same day. I knew because the bleeding let up. You came and went so quick and yet, you have left such an imprint on my soul, little fierce one!
Your dad dreamt of you the next night. He said he saved you in the river. You were a small not fully developed baby and he handed you to a lady in white. He felt you were in safe hands. You were going to be well.
Now, six days later, I am living life again, snow shoeing, snowboarding, spending time with friends, sharing, working, being. I have heard you twice in the last few days. You continue to tell me the same thing, "all is well, mom. I am ok". I listen. I take you in. I miss you. I mourn you and yet, I trust. I know you are safe. You are well. You will be strong. You will be a force. And I have a deep sense that I will meet you in this life as a human in some form in some way.
The doctors do not think anything is wrong with me or your father. They said this is common. We are young and healthy. We will continue down the path to bring life to this world. And we also know that if the Divine has other plans for us then we will listen. There are many ways to bring life into this world, to create a family, to evolve and to connect.
Trusting in the unknown is a scary and also miraculously, brave and heartfelt action! I am honored to have such a deep faith in this process and to share in it with a man who believes in the luminous possibilities of the unknown.
To my spirit children...
Lila Rose, you are still in the ether and one day will land on this Earth. I knew you were weaker and not ready to join us. I loved you no less. May your travels be infinite.
Little Leo, sometimes I think of you now and words escape me at your marvel and power. I know you are strong. I know you have entered this Earth in form and I look forward to our meeting one day.
To the females of the world who have known spirit children...
You are beautiful. You are inspiring. You have been chosen. And though you may not have experienced such a relationship with your little one, they remember you.
To my husband...
Thank you for your unwavering support, love and dedication. You continue to inspire me every day and every year we evolve together. I am in awe at your personal spiritual journey and the courage you have and continue to have to step into the unknown, trust and truly share with this world your innate wisdom and power. I am grateful to share all the feels, all the sorrow, all the goodness and all of this life with you.
I bow. I am honored you chose me. I trust. I unravel. I let go. I am here - a vessel to learn, to transform, to remember.